Daffodil Lament

It's not that I couldn't imagine a life without alcohol, it was that I didn't think I'd live to see it.

There is this spot on my hand where I'd always have a bruise after a black out.  Two weeks ago, I had fallen and bruised that very spot. Last week, I was looking at it and realized that I actually knew how I got the injury, and you know, that felt pretty awesome. 

Then there was today. I was woken up by a call from a newly acquired friend wanting to know if I'd like to stop by. I did, and I was sitting there drinking coffee with her. I realized I was there because she wanted my company- not access to my dealer, not a drinking buddy, not my sex- she just wanted my company.

It was an amazing feeling, just two friends smoking over coffee talking about life and love gone wrong and wondering if we'd ever get it right. 

Sometimes, it's the small things.

There Was A Time

He has these big, bright blue eyes. When he's high, he says the sweetest things.

He always knows the words to set my mind at ease with the shit of life.

So why am I looking for excuses to run?

I try, but then he gives me that look and says, "Well, you could leave or you know, not," and then we melt into one another.

This was something I had been mulling over until he brought up a "state of the union". I informed him he needed to stop thinking things and just let it be, that my feelings had not changed. He suggested that maybe I should be thinking things through.

That's when it hit me- I adore him so, and I would love to be in a relationship- just not with him.

Chicks = Trouble

The other day I was riding up the escalator and I spotted ahead of me a pair of legs coloured with fishnets and purple. My eyes wandered up to try to look up her skirt when it hit me.

I'd know that style, that hair, that backside anywhere- it was her. It was the escalator from the cave, so I stared at her completely in awe of her beauty, her presence.

My companion kept talking to me, asking what was wrong. I just shook my head.

I looked at her longingly as she walked away from me once again and my companion took my hand into his.

"That was some one I used to be in love with. I told you Boston is a small town- you can never escape your past," I told him sadly.

Now I can't get that image of her out of my head.

First, We Take Manhatten

"A-are you infatuated with me?"

"Are there any songs that remind you of me?"

"There are some songs that I can't listen to the same way, and never will be able to again, because of you."

That is what he said to me.

The conversation I had imagine in my head a thousand times since I met him on that July day finally happened, and I barely remember any of it.

Did I fuck up?

Will I ever get to see him again?

I think it went the way I wanted it to, so why do I feel so nervous and down about it?

Nine Lives

So I have been cat-sitting for the past few days.

There's the old as shit one, Nettie. Nettie is almost blind, senile and can barely walk. She's about twenty-five in human years, which is like, a thousand years or something in cat years. 

They've been having trouble getting her to eat, but I noticed watching her- it wasn't for lack of hunger, it was for lack of attention. It hit me last night that she'd be eating, and then I'd make a sudden move. She'd look at me and then be focused on whatever it was I was doing. I took this as a lack of interest in her food.

But then as soon as I took her plate to clean it, she'd begin demanding food again- so the conclusion was not that she was full, but that she simply had forgotten momentarily she had been eating.

This has led to me hovering over her while she eats, and as soon as I point or in any way interact with the food, getting her to remember, "Wait, food, I like."

The person (not the actual owner, but the usual cat-sitter) showing me how to care for the cats noted that Nettie always leaves some food behind- I don't know if she was just lazy or whatever, because I've been getting this cat to clean her plate. I mean, it takes patience, but this isn't some plant watering deal you can half-ass, this is a living being- if I have to spend a little extra time making sure she stays healthy, what's the harm?

I don't know, I just felt like sharing because it feels good to be making this cat happy while her owner is away.

So Long As We Keep Our Bodies Numb, We're Safe

The past two months have been different, and it was wonderful.

Then I had a cup of coffee, and I knew what was going to come, could feel it in my veins, but I still wasn't prepared as he spoke and my world came shattering down.

As he uttered those dreadful words, I went through a thousand emotions- determination, regret, despair, sadness, anger, anxiousness, and I was at a loss for any words to respond with.

His words echo through my head over and over again: "I don't think I can ever love you." 

Everything went cold, and I realized just how alone I really am... I tried to think who I could call to see and talk about this, places I could run to and realized I had nothing.

I'm at a loss of what to do, where to go from here. 

I feel the numbness coming over me, just like that time that feels like a lifetime ago. Has it only been a year?

I've just been retreating to the comfort of the bottle, the only thing I've been able to ever count on to be there for me. The only thing that allows me to shut off the pain.

I guess the only stability I'll ever know is instability.

Here Comes The Rain

Last night, I sat in my room and decided to venture out when he called for me, as he often does these days. More often than he ever has, for some one who is supposed to be at the busiest time of year at his job.

The last few times we've chatted, he's chuckles a lot. He never really laughed before, and rarely would smile. It was something I picked up because I found it strange, I'm able to make most people laugh quite a bit.

The conversation was deep and personal and longer than ones we'd previously had. It was awkward, neither of us knew how to handle it- when you first get that personal with some one, it's like walking on landmines, and neither of you know when one might set off.

Though, if you are at that point, chances are you won't find any.

He's definitely coming to see me in Boston, forbearing any unforeseen circumstances such as the end of the world. I'm not sure how it will be when we finally see one another again- will it be like always before? Will it be more? Will I be able to handle it?

So I guess I will continue waiting for him, like I always do. Because no matter what I do, he always comes back.